Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely from area. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")

And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another area the place American Males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide All people a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he ought to prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Options

Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by guests may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting System: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"

The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is now attracting notice from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from Trump Tower Damascus https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also consist of:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have turn-down service."

One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."